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Marriage - It's all fun and games, right?
Guest post by Melinda Holland
This piece originally appeared in a post on Instagram Story via @melindaholland, where she shared thoughts on 14 years of marriage to her husband, Jon.
Melinda & Jon in a Tennessee forest with photographer Alexis Dimmer for their 9th wedding anniversary.
Marriage. It’s all fun & games, right?
Wrong.
People aren't perfect. You know that, right? Neither are marriages.
Jon & I post silly vids and make people laugh.
We get comments like:
"love how you guys operate in your marriage"
"showing us how it's done"
"so cute/awesome/adorable" etc
And, well, those things are all true. We're all that. At times. But even the happy marriages are not all sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies.
Jon and a fiery packet of sauce that wants to marry him.
Let me share a couple of baseline things that are important in marriage, in my humble opinion:
- You've gotta be happy and content by yourself before you can be happy and content with someone else.
- Have common sense, social skills, and an understanding of how to relate to people & how to resolve conflict (sometimes I talk with people and it quickly becomes apparent why they're alone/unmarried/divorced, etc.)
- Swallow your pride and recognize when you're being a crazy face. (I've blown up at Jon and he's stood his ground and let me know—gently & calmly—that I was being unreasonable and unkind. To which I had to stop and respond that he was right. And vice versa.)
- Be kind. I mean, seriously, be kind. Sounds simple, but look at your motives. The words you speak, your actions/reactions...all your behaviors...are they motivated by kindness?
- Remember that it's not all about you. Selfishness is an ugly monster.
Marriage takes time, effort, and energy. It's a garden that needs constant tending and care. Otherwise, weeds and bugs will overtake it and choke out the wonderful harvest that you otherwise would've had, had you taken the time to cultivate it. If you don't give it what it needs, it will wither and die.
Jon & Melinda. May 21, 2020.
Let's take a look at the photo above.
It's one of my favorites of us. I don't have any photo like it from our 14 years together and wish I had a better, more professional version of it instead of a selfie. But I'll take it.
It's from our 14th anniversary on May 21, 2020.
We were kid-free and had some tasty tacos in a swanky part of town.
I like how you can see that we're holding hands and all is well.
But not even an hour before this photo, and not even a block from our home, we were in the car with me crying and Jon upset.
It was one of those times when evil reigned and the motive was fueled by unkindness.
Sometimes, we get frustrated with people and really wanna "stick it to them." You know, hit it where it hurts most.
When you live with someone for years, you know what buttons to push to make it really sting and sometimes it's just so satisfying to go ahead and push those buttons.
I do it. Jon does it.
In pushing those buttons, we make that decision to jump off the cliff and land right onto the other person, smashing them into the ground, so to speak. If we're really feeling evil, we'll pummel them a few more times so they'll really feel our wrath.
Our conscience should be telling us to stop.
If we don't listen, that's one more step toward killing the "garden" of marriage. Farmers don't stomp on their plants. Of course not. That would damage the garden. Stomping on plants is a great and very effective way to kill plants.
If your marriage is precious to you, then listen to your conscience and stop pushing those buttons. Stop killing it.
On our 14th anniversary, a day for celebrating our love and many years together, a lot of pain was felt and damage was done.
How did we get past that pain and damage?
By ceasing fire, by picking the other person up that we've wronged, and by feeling sincere repentance for our actions.
Forgiveness is also hugely beneficial.
Jon & I don't have a volatile, roller coaster marriage. These things don't happen frequently.
But when they do, we’re sensitive to the things that we know to be right and the things we know are wrong. The key is to choose--everytime--the things that are right.
Some of the things that we believe are right and we seek to choose are: love, kindness, patience, peace, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, joy and self-control.
Boy, that self-control one can be a real doozy. Self-control is a hard one to maintain when emotions are high. People are meanies. I know. I've been one.
Super tasty tacos on our 14th wedding anniversary.
Our marriage works and we're able to go on and eat tacos and enjoy each other's company less than an hour after some "marriage damage" because we sincerely feel bad when we've wronged the other. We take steps to make it right and truly want to make it right. We care.
It's also a huge advantage that we can both think objectively and logically through situations. Plus, we have a great sense of humor and have a lot of fun together.
I do have to say that in our marriage there are no chemical imbalances and deep-rooted, unhealthy patterns taught to us from childhood. I know people who have really unhealthy patterns of behavior and it's taken them a lifetime to learn how to relate in a healthy manner toward others and they're still learning. It's unfortunate. That's going to take the help of a licensed professional.
Out with the family at world renowned Smith Rock State Park. October 2018.
Remember, no marriage is perfect. The good ones have worked at keeping the marriage in great shape. Like most things, it takes time and effort. You, too, can have a good marriage—even a great one.
And, you can make it every bit as deserving of the #couplegoals & #relationshipgoals hashtags that people have so kindly placed on our marriage posts.
All is well. My eyes are still a little teary, but that’s a genuine smile and a tender “I love you” kiss. May 21, 2020.
To read more stories from Melinda, check out her website here.
Our Dreams for 2020 😊
Happy New Year! It's 2020! What a year it's already been. How has 2020 started out for you?
Here in Australia the bushfires have been going for about 3 months now. I feel like there are almost no words for the devastation rippling through so much of our country. We've toured through so much of the affected areas and our hearts just break at what so many are suffering through. The people, the wildlife. We're up in NNSW right now and so aren't close to any of the fires. All we can do is pray, donate and plan to support these communities as they rebuild in the months and years to come.
STEPPING OUT IN FAITH
I've always found it so hard to step out in faith is when the next step isn't visible. Standing at the edge of the cliff of decision, knowing the outline of God's direction, yet the map is still hazy and filled with blanks.
Has this happened to you?
In our 10th year of music ministry we are stepping out in faith again. Does it get any easier? In some ways yes, in others no. I think that this is just all part of the human experience and our own individual spiritual journeys with God.
As you know (maybe?), we bought and moved into a 20.9ft caravan in October last year. We are also pregnant with our second baby, due 6th March. We have felt led for while to go into a caravan to be able to tour throughout all of Australia spreading the Gospel through Word & Song. Australia is a huge country! It might not seem like it on a map, but it's as big as mainland USA. Over the last 10 years we've toured over a fairly large chunk of it, but because of just the expansive size we haven't been able to even touch so much of it. There are so many communities that we can't wait to visit and share encouragement, and the love and joy Jesus gives. We feel this is even more important with all the crazy bushfires that have and still are going through our country at the moment.
Is this scary? For sure! The further you go into the outback the more expensive food and fuel is. I heard recently that in north WA somewhere the fuel price as $2 p/litre (with 3.7 litres per gallon that's AUD$7.4 p/gallon). But regardless, we have seen so many times God making a way in the past and we believe He will continue to guide us as He already has been opening so many doors so far.
"Wait. Aren't you having another baby?" Yep, we sure are! That's why we're going to take it slow and start up the whole east coast this year, before heading West in 2021.
You can check out our current proposed tour routes for 2020 and 2021 below (the 2021 plan isn't complete at this stage).
2020 Tour Plans
2021 Tour Plans
We are happy to visit churches all along these routes and a couple hours drive from the route. Are you in any of these areas? Or know of a church or community who'd love us to visit? Have you done the Big Lap before? Have any ideas or tips? Email us and let us know.
COME WITH US ON A JOURNEY
Support comes in all shapes and sizes. How can you come with us on the journey around Australia?
#1 - PRAY. This is a definite first one. Currently as we plan and book the tours please pray that the right doors will open for ministry, for safety as we continue to travel and good decision making.
#2 - Follow along on Social Media. We have our ministry profile @ericandmoniqueon Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube and our personal profile @nomadicseason on Instagram and YouTube that we are doing as our family travel memories.
#3 - Join us over on Patreon. A way you can financially help us is being a patron. This can be on Patreon (it is in US$) or on our website donation page (AUD$ and other currencies) - both of these options give you access to behind-the-scenes, new songs produced as demos each month and more! This monthly patronage will directly help us as we go into these communities while still helping us to produce new music.
#4 - Listen to our music. Whether you love Spotify, Apple Music, a good ol' CD or digital download - listen, buy and share our music to support this journey.
#5 - Help us get tour dates along our route map for 2020 or 2021. We do the message during a church service, schools, concerts, and even come to people's houses for a living room concert! Let us know if you have any ideas of places or would like us to come to your living room for a concert for your small group, family and friends.
Merry Christmas 🎄 Happy New Year
Hello friends, it’s already December 23, and I can hardly believe it’s not only the end of the year but also the end of another decade! The Christmas decorations and crazy traffic definitely show that it’s only two days till Christmas.
We’re currently in North NSW with Eric’s family for Christmas, and driving up here we went past some of the 1.6 million hectares that have been burnt in the recent bushfires. It’s such an eerie scene, especially seeing so many of the fires are still out of control with no end in sight. We can’t help but feel for the thousands that are displaced from their homes and the hundreds of volunteer firefighters who are bravely facing up to this continuing beast. Our biggest hope and prayer this Christmas is that there will be rain.
How do you spend Christmas in your part of the world? Ours is filled with Christmas lights, Christmas Eve Carols, food and secret Santas with relatives. Trips to the beach to cool down from the heat and fridges that are filled with watermelon, mangoes and maybe a Pavlova or trifle. Telling Jesus’s story and sharing the ultimate gift He gave that will never be topped.
We are on our last workday before taking off two weeks at the end of the year. We find it’s so important to take time to “switch off” and refresh even without an employer telling us it’s vacation time. We hope that you’ve all been able to download our Christmas gift to you that we sent out the last email. If you missed it, grab yours here.
It’s nearly 2020… Wow! A new decade and with it brings our 10th anniversary of being Musicianaries! 10 years?! How has it already been that long? So thankful to God! We have a couple ideas of how we are going to mark this anniversary next year, so can’t wait to share this with you all.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! We hope that you all feel God’s peace throughout Christmas.
Monique 😘